


shine on you crazy diamond

by lusterrdust



Category: Archie Comics, Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Divorce, Dysfunctional Family, Family Feels, Gen, Mentions of FP Jones, Protective Siblings, Siblings, Underage Drinking, slight bughead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 02:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12122160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lusterrdust/pseuds/lusterrdust
Summary: "She's too young to realize bands like Pink Floyd, The Ramones and Led Zeppelin take her away from the chaos in her home. When she listens to them, all she can think of is Jughead and his crooked smile as he sat and waited out the fights for her." [jellybean centric/slight bughead]





	shine on you crazy diamond

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd - just a little nugget that wouldn't leave my brain

 

 

>  ▱◯♕
> 
> “Music is like a drug, but there  
>  are no rehabilitation centers.”  
>  — _Steven Morrissey_
> 
>  ◯

She doesn't know why they're always fighting.

The yelling itself makes her heart race and her hands shake. It makes her worry that maybe she's done something she wasn't supposed to... makes her feel like she's caused it. She hears her name brought up a few times-- 

" _—Jellybean—Bills—Drunk—!"_

She hates it. 

There's a weight sat heavily in her stomach, and she just can't shake it. 

Some nights she hears glass breaking and her mom sobbing. Sometimes it’s her dad when he's acting funny. On those nights, her brother always comes into her room. He smiles really big and she feels some of her fear melt away... just a little. 

He talks about the music he listens to and holds up his CD player, asking if she wants to hear before he slips the headphones over her ears, effectively silencing the yells from the other room as _Purple Haze_ jostles her brain around by its volume. It's too loud at first, but in time she comes to enjoy the way its lyrics and music demand her sole attention. She's too young then to know music becomes her escape. 

She's too young to realize bands like Pink Floyd, The Ramones and Led Zeppelin take her away from the chaos in her home. When she listens to them, all she can think of is Jughead and his crooked smile as he sat and waited out the fights for her. 

When she's older, Jellybean realizes his smile never did quite reach his eyes. She remembers the day her mom took her to see their grandparents... and she remembers not coming back home for a long time. 

She'd demanded, quite angrily, to know why Jughead didn't come with them, but felt the guilt eat at her when her mom began to cry behind the steering wheel on their second day on the road at the question. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked... she never did like to see her mother cry. 

She remembers missing Jughead like crazy though after going through the motions of living with her grandparents and going to a different school. She remembers being upset that she had no time to make friends or play or do anything because she was always at the doctor. In those lonely moments though, all she had to do was slip her headphones on and close her eyes. She could pretend her big brother was next to her that way, even if she knew there were hundreds of miles between them.  

When she's seventeen, drunk out of her mind and calling the only person she can trust to pick her up, it's the first time Jughead chews into her for being so reckless and dumb. 

Luckily in the moment, she's too drunk to care as his annoyed lecture flew right over her head. She faintly remembers vomiting in Betty’s rosebush and clenches her eyes shut in guilt and mortification.

The next morning when she wakes up with a roaring headache and a slobbery dog in her face, Jellybean groans and feels the weight of shame eat at her again. She flips over on the couch she's crashed on and groans, wondering if by wishing really hard, she'll be able to turn back time and not stupidly chug four cans of cheap beer. 

She can hear arguing in the next room over, but the voices are softer than that of her childhood. They're gentler than she's used to but it doesn't matter. A wave of unease takes hold of her and she feels a gnawing sort of anxiety claw at her chest because of it. 

She knows Jughead has never been one to raise his voice at Betty, but she expects it all the same. 

When the door to their bedroom opens however, Jellybean tries not to let her face pinch as she feigns sleep, hoping the couple will pass over her and she can avoid this whole confrontation thing.

No such luck. 

"Hot Dog, move." Her brother's voice splits the silence before her legs are being pushed back and he sits at her side. She waits a few seconds before he speaks again, wryly. "I know you're not asleep. Sit up." 

Jellybean frowns to herself but keeps her eyes closed, feeling a flare of irritation at the tone he's using. It's the same one her mother uses on her when she's being scolded, and it's not a familiar one on her brother's tongue. 

"I'm asleep." she mumbles into the pillow. 

"Convincing." 

"It would be if you'd left me alone."

There's a sharp intake of breath. Annoyance? Concern? 

"You texted me to pick you up, JB." He counters, and she can feel the frown on his face. "What are you even doing in the city? And don't think I'm not gonna expect an explanation for the fifty text messages mom's been sending me, asking where you're at." 

"I came to visit you." Jellybean snides hoarsely, finally rolling over and facing him with a grimace. "Forgive me if I thought you'd be happy about it." 

Jughead face softens, but only barely. He sighs and pulls her hand until she's in a sitting position, ignoring her groan of pain from the quick movement by her hangover. 

"And what? You decided to make a pit stop at an underage party to get wasted? Isn't that a little too.. I don’t know, _every_ 90's high school romcom for you?" 

"Shut up." Jellybean rolls her eyes before turning her head to spot Betty walking toward the kitchen. She hunches her shoulders, feeling the prickle of guilt again as she thinks of the rosebush outside. 

"Do you want me to whip some breakfast up for you, JB?" Betty asks kindly when she notices her staring. Her blue eyes are far kinder than any person's should be at having a vomit-in-her-hair, uninvited teen on their couch. "Waffles? Bacon? Pancakes?" 

Jellybean opens her mouth to answer but Jughead cuts her off with an exasperated, " _Betts_ ,"

"What? She needs to eat." Betty replies simply before turning back to her. "Oh wait, your favorite is french toast, right?"

Jellybean smirks a little at the way Jughead's brows crinkle in affectionate annoyance. "Betts, I'm lecturing her. We can't just offer her breakfast after last night’s stunt."

"Don't be silly, Jug." The blonde smiles, waving his words off. "French toast coming up."

Despite the way her head pounds, the sound of food makes Jellybean's stomach rumble. "Have I ever told you how much more I like you than my brother?" she calls out to the blonde.

Betty merely smirks before disappearing to the kitchen, and in the lull in conversation, Jellybean takes a moment to thank her genes for giving her an iron stomach. She'd hate to have nausea every hangover. 

"Jellybean.” Jughead drags her attention back, the teasing gone from his voice as the direction of their chat falls back into seriousness. “Why didn't you tell mom you were coming here?"

Jellybean huffs, rubbing a hand over her face and pushing the tangled strands of ebony hair from her cheeks. "God, can't I just get away without people questioning everything I do for once?" She snaps, suddenly feeling defensive. "Am I not allowed to make my own decisions, ever?"

She moves to stand but Jughead's hand clasps her wrist, effectively pulling her back down to the cushions. From the kitchen, she can see Betty glancing their direction and feels her cheeks heat in embarrassment for how petulant she’d sounded. 

Jughead tilts his head to catch her gaze. He stares at her a moment before grimacing. "C’mon, talk to me. What's going on? Did you need to have an excuse to go to that party? You could've just warned me, you know." 

She gives him a dry look, because they both know he'd in no way be completely okay with her attending a party here in the city. When she sees the genuine concern however, so similar to how he'd looked at her when they were children after their parent's fought, Jellybean feels hot tears prickle at her lids. 

She turns away, using her hair as a shield as it fans over her face. "Dad came by the other day..." the silence at that urges her to continue. "Mom was pissed. Like, _really_ pissed. They started fighting out in the yard, in front of all the neighbors too! It was embarrassing! They act like—! Like…" 

She scoffs, remembering the scene. Her mother throwing insults her father's way as he argued how Jellybean was almost an adult now and could decide whether she wanted to see him or not. Her chest burns at the memory. It burns at how desperately she’d wanted to run out and hug him, and how guilty she'd felt afterward for thinking it. She hates how the thought of showing him any affection or inclination of wanting to spend time with him is somehow always followed up with the fear of betraying of her mother’s feelings. Jellybean knows her dad’s had issues, but he's tried to do better… her mom doesn't see it like that. 

Jellybean hates feeling like she's in the middle of a divorce that's already five years dead. Why did her parents have to put her in the middle of their problems? Why couldn't they ask her what _she_ wanted?

From the look on Jughead's face, it's clear he understands now. 

"Why can't they just get over it?" She asks, not really expecting him to have an answer but letting the pause linger in hopes that he will. 

Jughead grabs her arm and turns her toward him. "Hey, you know it's not your fault, right? The stuff with mom and dad,"

"Then why do they always bring me up!? It's because of me they divorced in the first place but they shouldn't keep acting li—"

"Whoa! Hey!" He cuts in quickly, brows furrowed deeply. "You are _not_ the reason they divorced, Jelly. Don't ever think that again. Mom left because dad was drunk off his ass all the time and doing shoddy deals. Not you."

"Yeah, shoddy deals to pay for _my_ treatments." Jellybean countered, feeling the flare of anger and guilt continue to blossom in her chest. "If I hadn't been sick—"

"Stop it! Right now." Jughead demands, effectively shutting her up as her vision blurs with tears. He grips her other arm and looks her in the eye. "You are _not_ to blame for mom and dad's messed up marriage, Jelly. Not you, not me. You’re probably the only good thing to have come from it."

Jellybean sniffs and wipes at her nose. "…so are you.”

"Look," he sighs. "Mom and dad aren’t perfect, but they love us. They love you, more than anything. Why do you think they always want you with them?"

"Control." She quips automatically.

"Because they love you." He ignores her failed attempt at wry humor. "I love you. And seriously, the self -loathing _Poe_ angst is my thing, so find your own niche."

Jellybean cracks a smile despite not wanting to. She wipes at her eyes and rolls them. "God, you wrote _one_ best seller, get over it, Edgar."

"Don't act like you read his work." 

"Well you never shut up about it, so technically I do." She retorts fondly. "Jerk."

Jughead's grin fades slightly as their humor dims. He sighs. "I won't tell mom about the party, but you should talk to her."

Nerves prickle in her stomach just thinking about it. She doesn't know what her mother's reaction to her talking about the effects of hers and her father actions toward her will be. Sure, it's been something that's been reaching its boiling point but to just... _say it?_

She doesn't want to hurt her parents because she knows they genuinely would never want to hurt her either... but, simply by choosing their own selfish resentment and problems with one another, they'd inadvertently done so anyway.

"I don't think now is a good time."

Jughead's face falls a tiny bit, but he doesn't look surprised at her answer. "I just want you to be okay." 

"I'm here, aren't I?" 

"You know what I mean."

She sighs, tucking her hair behind her ear and grimacing in disgust at the dried vomit still attached to the strands. "I know." 

A minute passes in silence until Jughead realizes that's all he's going to be able to pull out of her and he grimaces before standing up. 

Jellybean takes his offered hand and sways on her feet before he keeps her upright. Her head is still pounding and her tongue is dry in her mouth with a slight acidic tang. Gross. 

"You're welcome here any time, you know that don't you?" He asks, eyes serious and sincere. “Betty and I don’t mind, and you know both of us are here to talk.”

She doesn't know how people without siblings like her brother get by in life. She doesn't know what she'd do without him. Even more so, she doesn't _want_ to know. Nodding, Jellybean wraps her arms around his waist and mumbles into his shirt, "Don't tell dad about the party either."

He exhales in amusement.

When they pull apart, he twirls her around and pushes her slightly toward the bathroom. "Fine. Now go take a shower. You smell disgusting."

She flips him off and walks down the familiar hallway of her brother and his girlfriend's home, Hot Dog at her feet. There’s a faint sound of them talking in the kitchen before it's followed by a kissing noise – to which she sticks her tongue out to herself.

When she steps into the shower and smells the delightful scent of cinnamon and syrup from down the hall overpowering the soap, Jellybean finally feels the tension from her shoulders slip away. She doesn't think about her parents or the time she'll have to go back home on Monday. She's fine right now, and fine is okay. 

When she hears the abrupt tunes of _Hotel California_ spill from under the bathroom door though, _fine_ shifts to something closer to _content_ , and a smile makes its way onto her face. Her brother has always looked out for her. Through it all, she can always depend on him.

Now the only issue she faces is overcoming her embarrassment to apologize to Betty about the rosebush.


End file.
